The magic van

Uncle Rico's van

Unbeknownst to many of our readers, we are the proud owners of a 1982 Chevy Van. This thing is so old that it was literally on the manufacturing line when I was in diapers. My husband is eagerly awaiting the year 2012, in which it will become a collector’s item and thus be eligible for a special license plate.

The magic van is like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag. I swear you can keep shoving shit in there and still have room for stuff. Mary Poppins, at different points in the movie, pulls a large lamp and cough syrup from her bag. So what, precisely, can you find in the magic van?

The ogre first comes equipped with a couch in the back, which folds down to a bed. A perk, I should mention, that makes the van an ideal mode to transport to concerts. But that’s another blog. A blog that really doesn’t have anything upstanding to contribute, actually.

I should note that we are driving the van, along with our Jeep Cherokee, to Iowa. The purpose of the van is to usher our beloved K9’s across the country. Perhaps we’ll even run into other crazies who are traveling with a pack of dogs. However, this generally means that their K9’s compete in dog shows, whereas our dogs do little more than bark at butterflies and try to hump each other (which does not make sense, since they are all fixed).

But back to the van. Inside of it you will now find (a) another full sized couch, (b) 6 large home stereo speakers, and (c) 1 HUGE television, circa 1999. We have already hauled this god dammed TV from Washington to California, from California to North Carolina, and from North Carolina to Washington. And by god, my husband is bound and determined to haul it to Iowa!

So the vehicle that was originally intended to transport our dogs now contains our entire living room. What’s magic about this is that there is STILL room for the dogs. The original couch in the back sits in the back, and the living room couch sits perpendicular to it (lengthwise). And our dogs LOVE their couch. It’s not uncommon to enter the living room to find 3 or 4 of them sleeping on it at once, with their chins resting on each other’s tummies and rumps.

So the added weight likely reduces our gas mileage from 10 miles per gallon to, say, 9 miles per gallon. But let’s face it – there’s no way to stuff 6 dogs in a Prius. So at least we’ll be comfortable along the way.


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